.:Reflection:.

The Father Heart of God week is officially over.

Sad, sad day.

I feel like we were given so much information; i only hope i can hold onto at least one concept.

This morning's session was so stinkin powerful i don't even know where to start.

But maybe starting at the beginning would be a good place to start... 

:]

The title of the session was Pray For the Father's Authority.

-confess areas of compromise that don't reflect the Father's character

-Commit to walking in faith & obedience

-Submit to the Lord's refining process in your life

-Avail yourself to the Holy Spirit working through you

-Receive the Father's authority by faith as His child

So i went through and prayed through this whole process as i was sitting on one of the couches, but the whole time, i felt nothing. I couldn't feel God's presence; i honestly felt like i was just saying words and I was speaking to the ceiling.

Marty Meyer invited whoever wanted to, to come to the front, receive prayer and to be anointed with oil.

So i went through the whole praying for the Father's Authority thing and like i said felt absolutely nothing. I was like okay God, i want to feel you close to me, i desire to feel your presence. So I went to the front and sat there for a while, trying to pray as Marty went around to the people around me, anointing them w/ oil & praying for them.

My friend Dana came & sat next to me & asked if she could pray for me. As soon as she got up from praying for me, I prayed- God why can't I feel you? I fee like something is keeping me from being close to you.

In that instant the memory of the anguish i felt when my ex broke up with me came to my mind &  tears started flowing freely. I felt the deep hurt all over again of having someone who meant so much to me, tear my world apart & not even care. I sat there & sobbed, really mourning the hurt and the loss i felt over the relationship. I thought I had dealt with that whole issue before, but i know now that I never truly healed from the hurt that whole situation caused. I've just stuffed it into the back of my head, trying to move on & forget, instead of dealing with it.

I feel like God wanted me to truly mourn & feel the anguish I had tried to hide since the breakup. He wanted me to be free from that bondage of brokeness & heartache. The hurt that my ex caused my heart made me put up a huge wall around my heart; my heart has been numb for so long & I didn't even realize it...until today.

So i sat there in the front of the classroom, crying & finally mourning & feeling the loss. I had to let it out, otherwise it was going to keep me in bondage forever.

Once Marty came over to me to anoint me w/ oil & to pray for me, Chey, my super amazing small group leader, was by my side & comforting me.

The main thing Marty kept saying was death has no victory.

This is the Bible verse Marty felt God wanted to show me:

1 Cor. 15:50-58

⁵⁰I declare to you, brothers, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. ⁵¹Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— ⁵²in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. ⁵³For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. ⁵⁴When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory."
 ⁵⁵"Where, O death, is your victory?
      Where, O death, is your sting?" 
⁵⁶The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. ⁵⁷But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
 ⁵⁸Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

This passage hit me hard b/c it brought back memories of me laying on the concrete porch outside my parents house, sobbing from the heartache. Thoughts running through my head, wondering was the pain really worth it, would it ever go away, would ending it all make things better, would anyone even care if i was gone?

Where, O death, is your victory & sting?

Once Marty was finished, Chey & I prayed together & she had me ask Jesus where he was & what he was thinking when I was hurting.

I got the image of me sitting on the floor next to my bed at my aunts house, crying my eyes out b/c Dominic had hurt me once again- full of empty promises & harsh words, as usual. And Jesus was sitting right there next to me, His arms around me, sobbing with me. 

His heart was breaking with mine. 

Just knowing that Jesus was right there beside me when I felt so alone & hurt has brought a lot of comfort to me today. I think the healing process has definitely begun b/c I feel like I've finally forgiven Dominic, in my heart, for the horrible hurt he caused me. I don't want who he is or what he did to me to control me anymore. And the only way I'll be free from the bondage is to forgive him & completely forget him & all of our memories- good & bad.

 I finally feel free of him- Thankyou Jesus! 

Ugh so there's a quick (sorta) overview of a breakthrough i experienced today.

I'm so glad I'm here; I can finally feel happiness again!

Prayer Request:

I haven't been feeling very good- lots of headaches & stomach aches. Pray that those would cease so I can wake up in the morning feeling refreshed & be able to focus on what God has for me throughout the day.

I MISS YOU ALL!

so stinkin much.

Peace&Love

Chels