.:The Stand:.

by: Hillsong United

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

This song breaks me down every time we sing it during worship. I want to stand in complete 

abandonment to God, surrendering everything. 

God's been bringing to mind one specific thing from my past that I really don't want to deal with, let alone think about.

Here's how the convo goes:

God: Chelsea, we need to bring this to the light.

Me: Ugh God, no, please not right now.

God: Yes, Chels, right now. We need to get it over with.

Me: Please God. No! I don't want to deal with that shame.

God: Chelsea, you need to deal with that shame.

Me- now on my knees crying: Okay God, I'll try, but its gonna take some time.

God: That's okay. As long as its dealt with.

Me: I'm so sorry God.

*sigh*

 Its so hard being here, but i know its for my own good. God just wants to have me & all of    me, completely, without all of the junk of my past hindering communication & intimacy 

with Him.

Please...pray for me.

I'm gonna need it.

Intensely.

.:hmmmmm:.

As i sit here & write, there's a nice, thin layer of snow on the ground outside & the sun is going down, so its stinkin cold out there! And i'm so glad I'm sitting in the lodge, near the fireplace, all nice & cozy.

Here's the lowdown on this week so far!

:LECTURE:

Subject: Character & Nature of God

Speaker: Donna MacGowan

Days complete: 2

Days to go: 2

Here's a little something about what I've been learning:

We can know God as:

Friend

Savior

Counselor

Lord

I feel like i know God the most as Friend right now. And I'm loving this new friendship I've reconciled with God. I never realized how much I missed Him until 3 weeks ago.

I've been seeing God trying to earn my trust on a daily basis, showing Himself faithful to me, present and active in my life. 

Donna had us do a Journal Question:

Do I trust God?

And here's what I wrote:

Honestly, no.

Not completely.

However, I do feel the trust building in my heart as He continues to show Himself faithful & loyal to me on a daily basis. I want to trust God completely. I want to be able to let go of control, surrender, & walk in the way He has for me. I know God will never leave or forsake me; how much longer will it take for me to fully & truly believe that?

Forgive my ignorant heart, God.

Teach me to trust you.

Completely.

:FINANCES:

Today, us students who don't have all of our money for outreach prayed & fasted during the lunch hour. The sense of unity & belief in the room was astounding to me. We all know that God wants to provide for us, all we have to do is ask & fully believe that God will show Himself faithful.

Right now, I'm not sure if God wants me to go to Columbia or Thailand; I'm game for wherever He wants me to go.

And the best part is I still have a complete peace that He will provide the funds for me to go on the outreach.

This is definitely one area of life that I fully trust God; no freakin out on my part...so far :]

All of us students are stoked to see how God pulls through & provides a miracle for all of us; we're watching & waiting patiently, yet eagerly.

If that makes any sense. And if thats even possible, I'm not entirely sure!

:WORSHIP:

Holy smokes!!! I stinkin love the worship times here. Its one of those times where I feel incredibly close to God, worshiping Him & what He's done in our lives. I love Him. Standing in a room full of people who love Jesus & are raising their voices in worship to Him is incredible.

That's all I can write for now; i need to start writing my support letter! Yay- pray for me :]

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means alot to me that you do!!

:SURPRISE:
I got my first package in the mail yesterday & i FREAKED out over it!!! I screamed when i saw it & then picked it up & ran to find Nicole to show it to her!!
I stinkin loved it- Thanks John! You made my day! I smiled all night long- no joke. no lie.
:]

Peace&Love,

Chels

.:Outreach:.

I leave for outreach in 61 days...woaw.

Either to Columbia or Thailand.

I'm still waiting on God to show me which place He wants me to go.

My first Outreach payment of $1750 is due in 12 days.

oh golly.

But i'm not worried or stressed.

I'm choosing to trust God.

He's brought me this far, I know He won't leave me hanging now.

He's got my back.

I'm just eagerly waiting for Him to show Himself faithful.

Oh how I love Him & everything He's done for me.

Even though I don't deserve it.

Wow. Yeah. God is so good.

.:Reflection:.

The Father Heart of God week is officially over.

Sad, sad day.

I feel like we were given so much information; i only hope i can hold onto at least one concept.

This morning's session was so stinkin powerful i don't even know where to start.

But maybe starting at the beginning would be a good place to start... 

:]

The title of the session was Pray For the Father's Authority.

-confess areas of compromise that don't reflect the Father's character

-Commit to walking in faith & obedience

-Submit to the Lord's refining process in your life

-Avail yourself to the Holy Spirit working through you

-Receive the Father's authority by faith as His child

So i went through and prayed through this whole process as i was sitting on one of the couches, but the whole time, i felt nothing. I couldn't feel God's presence; i honestly felt like i was just saying words and I was speaking to the ceiling.

Marty Meyer invited whoever wanted to, to come to the front, receive prayer and to be anointed with oil.

So i went through the whole praying for the Father's Authority thing and like i said felt absolutely nothing. I was like okay God, i want to feel you close to me, i desire to feel your presence. So I went to the front and sat there for a while, trying to pray as Marty went around to the people around me, anointing them w/ oil & praying for them.

My friend Dana came & sat next to me & asked if she could pray for me. As soon as she got up from praying for me, I prayed- God why can't I feel you? I fee like something is keeping me from being close to you.

In that instant the memory of the anguish i felt when my ex broke up with me came to my mind &  tears started flowing freely. I felt the deep hurt all over again of having someone who meant so much to me, tear my world apart & not even care. I sat there & sobbed, really mourning the hurt and the loss i felt over the relationship. I thought I had dealt with that whole issue before, but i know now that I never truly healed from the hurt that whole situation caused. I've just stuffed it into the back of my head, trying to move on & forget, instead of dealing with it.

I feel like God wanted me to truly mourn & feel the anguish I had tried to hide since the breakup. He wanted me to be free from that bondage of brokeness & heartache. The hurt that my ex caused my heart made me put up a huge wall around my heart; my heart has been numb for so long & I didn't even realize it...until today.

So i sat there in the front of the classroom, crying & finally mourning & feeling the loss. I had to let it out, otherwise it was going to keep me in bondage forever.

Once Marty came over to me to anoint me w/ oil & to pray for me, Chey, my super amazing small group leader, was by my side & comforting me.

The main thing Marty kept saying was death has no victory.

This is the Bible verse Marty felt God wanted to show me:

1 Cor. 15:50-58

⁵⁰I declare to you, brothers, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. ⁵¹Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— ⁵²in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. ⁵³For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. ⁵⁴When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory."
 ⁵⁵"Where, O death, is your victory?
      Where, O death, is your sting?" 
⁵⁶The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. ⁵⁷But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
 ⁵⁸Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

This passage hit me hard b/c it brought back memories of me laying on the concrete porch outside my parents house, sobbing from the heartache. Thoughts running through my head, wondering was the pain really worth it, would it ever go away, would ending it all make things better, would anyone even care if i was gone?

Where, O death, is your victory & sting?

Once Marty was finished, Chey & I prayed together & she had me ask Jesus where he was & what he was thinking when I was hurting.

I got the image of me sitting on the floor next to my bed at my aunts house, crying my eyes out b/c Dominic had hurt me once again- full of empty promises & harsh words, as usual. And Jesus was sitting right there next to me, His arms around me, sobbing with me. 

His heart was breaking with mine. 

Just knowing that Jesus was right there beside me when I felt so alone & hurt has brought a lot of comfort to me today. I think the healing process has definitely begun b/c I feel like I've finally forgiven Dominic, in my heart, for the horrible hurt he caused me. I don't want who he is or what he did to me to control me anymore. And the only way I'll be free from the bondage is to forgive him & completely forget him & all of our memories- good & bad.

 I finally feel free of him- Thankyou Jesus! 

Ugh so there's a quick (sorta) overview of a breakthrough i experienced today.

I'm so glad I'm here; I can finally feel happiness again!

Prayer Request:

I haven't been feeling very good- lots of headaches & stomach aches. Pray that those would cease so I can wake up in the morning feeling refreshed & be able to focus on what God has for me throughout the day.

I MISS YOU ALL!

so stinkin much.

Peace&Love

Chels

.:truth is beautiful:.

This week we're learning about The Father Heart of God.

Marty Meyer is the BEST speaker ever.

I don't know how anyone is ever going to top his passion about what he's teaching us.

...phenomenal...

One of our in class assignments today was to ask God, "what are you thinking about me right now?" and write it out in letter form.

and this is what God revealed to me

Dear Chelsea,

Who you are is perfectly okay. I wouldn't change you for the world.

I conquered the grave. You aren't the same person anymore; the past is the past.

you. are. new.

I love you.

Shine your light.

I will never leave you, nor forsake you. This is the start of something new & beautiful.

Block out the distractions. I want your full attention; Don't hold back!

I will be your strength when you feel weak.

This is the day that I have made. REJOICE! And be glad in it.

I will restore that which has been broken. My grace is sufficient for you.

Cry out to me!

You're my girl <3

I will never stop loving you.

Trust me.

Isn't that stinkin awesome?!

GAAAAH. I love Jesus so much.

Words don't even express how glad I am that I am here doing my DTS. God made it possible for me to come here, because He knew this is exactly what I needed. He longed to have me back as His girl; and now I am! 

Tomorrow we're fasting and praying during lunch hour for our finances. Its definitely a much needed thing, especially for me. I have NO idea how I'm going to get enough money to go on outreach. But the rad thing is, I'm not stressing over it. I know that if God wants me to go, He'll make a way. And I trust Him to do that.

I'm feeling more & more called to go to Thailand instead of Columbia for my DTS Outreach. 

We watched a video today about sex trafficking; it broke my heart into pieces & I wept for those girls who are held in that disgusting bondage. I asked God to break my heart for what breaks His and He certainly did.

I've never felt or seen God more evident in my life than I have this past week. He's certainly an incredible God. And I'm finally realizing & accepting the love He has for me. 

Who am I without Him? Why did I ever think I could make it through this life on my own? Now that I'm living for Jesus, I've realized how empty and dull my life was without Him. Living for myself doesn't even compare to living for Jesus. 

One thing I've realized is that I am a broken, fallen person. But that's okay, because I have my Jesus to make me complete and lovely. I am the person I am today only by His strength and love and not because of my abilities and talents.